Psalm 88 - For those in darkness

I am now at a conference center in the midst of God's creation in the Lebanese Mountains and since yesterday have met many people from Iraq and USA. The past three days since arriving in Lebanon have been full preparing for the conference, but more important, walking with people and hearing their journey. My heart is wide open and overwhelmed, and yes... truly pained. We say when one part of the body hurts we all hurt, and I share that often. But truly I am living that out in ways I need to understand and reconcile.

Today we worshipped at the Rabiya Presbyterian Church. The preacher was from an Iraqi church. I am still processing the sermon about sacrifices to the Lord and how that fits our Christian faith. Readings from John 16:1-4 and 2 Thessalonians: 1-12. An end offering was reminder that God tells us to pray for enemies; do good to those who offend you,. If you believe in God being the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.. that gives you a key to the map of how we deal with the current situations in our lifes as followers of Christ. This is where my head starts spinning in light of the massacre last Sunday in Baghdad; in light of the murder of a 14-year-old student going through the same schools as my children in Californa; going thorugh a young man riding a BART train home on New Year's Eve and being shot execution style out of fear with a live gun when the officer got confused about which one was loaded and live, versus which one was a stun gun.

A remider of the promise of a new day was ending this afternoon, in community at Byblos, and viewing a most awesome sunset.

I will write more about the stories and experiences I have heard thus far in future posts with following direction to new sunrises... but need time to reflect and sadly censor to be able to share a glimpse without compromising dear ones situations.

From the conversations today, I dedicate this psalm to brothers and sisters from Iraq, and in any place in the world with unjust suffering... My USA friends, if you are in a faith community of any kinds, please take time to share a prayer of thanksgiving that you can go to church freely, without frear or murders orkinnppings or tragicaly asssisantions, do that freely and give thanks to God.

Our official consultaion begins torromow with sharing and meeting. Please pray for the holy spirits presnece in this consultaion and cleara maching orders.

Psalm 88

A Song. A Psalm of the Korahites. To the leader: according to Mahalath Leannoth. A Maskil of Heman the Ezrahite.
1 O Lord, God of my salvation,
when, at night, I cry out in your presence,
2 let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry.

3 For my soul is full of troubles,
and my life draws near to Sheol.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the Pit;
I am like those who have no help,
5 like those forsaken among the dead,
like the slain that lie in the grave,
like those whom you remember no more,
for they are cut off from your hand.
6 You have put me in the depths of the Pit,
in the regions dark and deep.
7 Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
and you overwhelm me with all your waves.
Selah


8 You have caused my companions to shun me;
you have made me a thing of horror to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
9 my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call on you, O Lord;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you work wonders for the dead?
Do the shades rise up to praise you?
Selah
11 Is your steadfast love declared in the grave,
or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
12 Are your wonders known in the darkness,
or your saving help in the land of forgetfulness?


13 But I, O Lord, cry out to you;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 O Lord, why do you cast me off?
Why do you hide your face from me?
15 Wretched and close to death from my youth up,
I suffer your terrors; I am desperate.*
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your dread assaults destroy me.
17 They surround me like a flood all day long;
from all sides they close in on me.
18 You have caused friend and neighbour to shun me;
my companions are in darkness.

Lord, may you grant mercy to those who read this and are in desparate need of understaning and your grace.. and guide us n ou path to jourey together.

View from the retreat center chapel.

Goodbye Paris, Hello Beirut - November 4, 2010

Up early Thursday morning to depart Paris. Left hotel at 6 a.m. and loved my driver from Cambodia and our twilight drive through the city. The Arc de Triomphe was still glowing in the edge of sunrise. As we drive by and entered the tunnel where I believe Princess Di was in the car crash, the radio ironically played Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”.

I was so excited to have my rendezvous with dear friend Marilyn at Charles de Gaulle airport. We were to fly together to Beirut. Hardly ever do I get to connect with a friend for travel, so we were both happy and had our reunion with communion over extra large cappuccinos, while awaiting our flight. Flight went quick with nonstop conversation to match the flight.

Our colleague and friend, Nuhad picked us up at the airport and delivered us to the Mayflower Hotel. I always like to have a drink at the Mayflower when in Beirut to do a “Robert Fisk Sighting”. Haven’t sighted him there yet. I did just see him and hear him speak in Berkeley, so I guess that’s as good as it gets. The UCC church where he spoke was packed, so I had a front row seat... literally... sitting on the floor under him. So I’m pretty clear what he looks like now... pore by pore... should I ever sight him live in Beirut.

I went out by myself to pick up bottled water and important provisions like nuts (kernels), chocolate and wine. It was dusk and I love the activity of the streets and navigating crossing them without getting hit by the cars or motorbikes. Went to look at Le Cigale candy and pastry shoppe! Just looked... It was warm and balmy in Beirut... around 80 degrees fahrenheit. After we were settled a bit, we went to Nuhad’s for nice warm night on his patio. I always love watching the children play soccer game in the parking lot below. Not sure if my kids know what a luxury a soccer field is, and that in most places in the world one plays soccer where there is an open space... whatever the space.



Sobering conversation as we turn to Iraq and look toward our time with Christians next week, in light of the recent attack and massacre at the Assyrian Catholic Church in Bagdad. When the attack was happening the Bagdad Presbyterian church received a call to stop their service and send everyone home, in case it would be a mass attack on all the churches. Christians have to find alternative times to worship to what we would in the US on Sunday morning.

I am worried about my dear sister in Bagdad... a friend I met last year and immediately bonded with. I think of her at church and being told to go home... she lives alone. I would be so scared to go home alone. I know her though... she is a faithful person and I can hear her saying she has faith in her God and her Jesus to watch over her... but I wish I was there to be with her and let her see the presence of her sister with her... to know the presence of Christ with her... I hope I'll hear back from the email I sent to her soon...


It is good to have familiar friends to toast to the beginning of this time in Beirut. One of endings, and beginnings. Many more friends to see... and the ones that are not here are in my heart and my prayers.

House of Mashed Potatoes - November 3, 2010

I bought the Metro day pass to make sure I didn’t go back and stay in my hotel room... if I’m in Paris I need to take it all in! So arriving back at hotel at 9pm, I did a few things and forced myself to go out for dinner. My friend Max told me about a historic Indonesian place near the Sorbonne I wish I could go but it would take about 30 minutes each way... so instead I just got on the Metro and picked a stop a couple away from my Dupliex stop for the hotel. Ended up in the Montparnasse area. At first I thought, hmmm this might have been a mistake. But after walking about 2 blocks I ended up in the middle of a plethora of lit up inviting cafes and restaurants. Walked by one that was packed with people having waiters dish out savory potatoes from copper saucepans... after circling decided that was the place. The USA is blessed with House of Pancakes... clearly my restaurant of the night could be named France’s House of Mashed Potatoes.


I sat outside because I love being outside and well, clearly it’s pretty common here... even though it’s 48 degrees fahrenheit. Great view of a cool theater across from my table. I asked the waiter about the potatoes from the copper saucepan so he explained you order the potatoes and have a choice of meat to go with it. Ordered ham with my potatoes. Asked waiter for choice of French wine to go with and got my baby carafe of “hearty” wine, and was good to go. If there are mashed potatoes in heaven, these would be the ones... creamy, cheesy, garlic mashed potatoes that are a bit lumpy... ooh la la. Waddled and made my way back to Metro... onboard thought it’s my last night... can’t go back to hotel yet! Decided to go the extra stop and walk back to Eiffel Tower to say goodnight.

Eiffel Tower is not lacking vendors selling a variety of Eiffel Tower statues and souvenirs... even at Midnight... I had held firm the other day with my “No, Merci” The gentleman this night was sure I really needed the lovely 3” plastic Eiffel Tower that lights up in fluorescent colors. After talking him down 7 euros, so for the ripe price of 3 euros, I am the proud owner of this tacky little statue... not like the ones at The Louvre, but trust me, it will help me remember Paris and the twinkling lights of the Tower! And with that I said "au revoir" to Paris and returned to my hotel to pack.

The Louvre, NBA, Wooing, and Immortal Love - November 3, 2010

Took the Metro to The Louvre today... number one and only item on my to do list! Really overwhelming... I already knew I had to have low expectations as I could only do a section. Decided to check out the “Mona Lisa” and Greek and Roman Statues.

Meandered around statues and then proceeded down the path with Mona Lisa’s face and arrows to help one get to her. The gallery that contains the madam is vast and when I looked across, the actual painting looks so small. There is a barrier to keep people from getting too close to Mona Lisa. I couldn’t get close enough to see the strokes... that’s what I like to see when I look at a painting... and envision the hand that made the image, stroke by stroke. So that was a bit of a bust. Then a young man next to me asked if I would take his photo with the painting. I took his and he took mine. We parted with simple greeting. Then he found me again and wanted another photo taken. Guess I did okay with first photo shoot. This time we talked more.. “Where are you from?” “What are you doing in Paris?” He is from Singapore but is on his way to London to woo his beloved. I told him I am from California and he started gushing about the Lakers. Had to help him out and say I was from Warriors land. Evidently Mr. Tan is quite the NBA expert. He shared how much he would love to see a NBA game one day and that the Boston Celtics are his favorite team. I said perhaps he and his beloved could visit USA and go to a NBA game. Then he admitted she wasn’t his yet... this trip he was hoping he could convince her. Must be pretty good odds, for him, I thought, if he is traveling all the way from Singapore to London. We talked more about Warriors and Jeremy Lin... told him my kids had attended a game. He learns my children are half Cantonese and shares his dream to marry a caucasian woman so he can have beautiful children. I don’t ask if the beloved in London is caucasian but have a strong hunch. I show him my children’s photos, tell him their Chinese names and he raves about how beautiful they are. I agree. :-)

I stayed in the room at The Louvre for some time that holds the Mona Lisa and the Wedding Feast at Cana. The Wedding Feast painting in comparison to Mona Lisa is huge... no wonder the room is so cavernous. I stay in this gallery for some time. Started thinking it felt like being inside a whale with the breath going in and out as the people flow in and out in droves... at one point the whole room is packed... and then with the exhale, it feels peaceful to have just a handful. At this rate I imagine it would take a lifetime for me to move in and out of each space...

I am worn out by that space and retreat to the cafe... figure since museum open until 9:30 pm tonight, I could afford the break. I enjoy a glass of Bordeaux and read a bit more of my treasured “The Bread of Angels” as she talks about war and the Syrian’s impressions of George Bush. I love this book and I love her voice! I replace the Delta Airlines barf bag I was using for a bookmark with my newly coveted 1 Euro bookmark of the statue by Antonio Canova "Psyché ranimée par le baiser de l'Amour" Breathtaking and much more appropriate for this reading feast than the barf bag.

Planned on ending my time at The Louvre with Venus de Milo and all her friends in that gallery... living and in stone. Started to leave and was compelled to find the actual Antonio Canova statue... it’s small... but stunning. Immortal love is a good note on which to depart The Louvre.

Photo and information about Canova statue @ http://www.flickr.com/photos/lanphere/401912063/

Why Paris?

I had been told to save the dates end of October for a retreat, which I was then not included. So... with my calendar, having a few days carved out is like Gold. The past few months as my Mother's estate is settled, a couple checks have drifted in from old insurance policies and the like. One lesson I learned from my Mother and my dear Aunt Bobbie is to travel and meet people other than myself. I've taken that to heart. And looking at one of the checks, I decided I could buy something... but truly I've learned material things don't make me happy... or I could buy an experience... thus Paris.

My friend Jan drove me to the airport Monday, November 1. Part of my journey this past year has been exploring life and love and relationships and all that holds. Jan has been a great friend to share some of these reflections and it was nice to have that support to get to the airport for a trip she could tell I dreaded but also am desiring. I've learned this year to treasure the people who are close enough to go beyond the surface... having Jan name a few things for me as we loaded my stuff into her car was a gift. I didn't really want to leave... but I felt compelled. So off I went.

My first sign that this was a necessary trip to reframe things was arriving at my gate at San Francisco Airport. It was the same gate my daughter and I flew out of a little over a year before to go be with my Mother in Hospice for her final days. Freaky! But I almost laughed and thought... okay... how profound is this. Right before boarding they moved our gate next door from 47 to 46... not sure what that means but I ended up going down a different path for this plane. The flight was uneventful... interesting people to meet in the galley and share stories. Got to Paris and new this was biggest part for me... conquering doing this on my own. Figured out how to take the RER and Metro into Paris. Note to self... even though I thought I'd trimmed down my suitcase to minimal amount for a month... I should ALWAYS pack less. Especially if taking the Metro... no elevators... Hauling one 50+ pound suitcase up and down multiple staircases is not fun or glamorous, even in Paris.

I arrived at my hotel so happy to see an elevator. Desk Man is named Yann... how appropriate. I told him I used to work with a Yann in San Francisco and on the plane wished I had gotten his current phone number. But I hadn't. So I told this Yann he must be the one I was to meet! After a nap I took on Paris. Such freedom to know I don't have a schedule and can go wherever I want. I am staying right next to the Eiffel Tower... it was a misty night and I was so excited to walk toward the Seine and pass cafes and then in a moment it appeared... Just as the skyline of San Francisco still takes my breath away each time I cross the Bay Bridge, the sight of the huge lit tower in the mist made my heart sing.

I saw the crepe man on the street and thought, yes, I need a crepe... so indulged in a delicious chocolate one! Then on to the base of the Eiffel Tower. I thought about going up but something held me back... I think I want to share that with someone one day... so I decided to stay on the ground and take in the moment to savor this sight. Went to a stand to get coffee and found they had mulled wine... yes, that is what I should have in Paris... so I sat on a bench with my mulled delicious wine and watched all the people and activity.

Met two young women from Hong Kong who were having so much fun doing a "photo shoot" with the tower so took some of them together and then they returned the favor, taking my photo...urging me to do some model poses that caused lots of giggles for all of us.

After I took to the river and walked along the Seine... found a boat that had a simple wood table and four chairs surrounded by potted mums... yes, I would like to have a meal at that table.

Made my way back up to a bridge just in time to view the Eiffel Tower sparkling with blinking lights... not sure why but for a moment the lights blinked and went blue and then it was back to steady lighting. Reminded me of the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" where Meg Ryan sees the Empire State Building all lit up and leaves her fiance because it's a sign...

Found my perfect cafe for the evening, ordered my half bottle of Bordeaux and a cheese plate and settled in with my book, "The Bread of Angels" by Stephanie Saldana... that my dear friend Gail suggested. Oh my... this book is moving me to my core... I highly recommend it... about a young woman's year in Syria learning Arabic but really, so, so much more. Sat for a couple hours reading and watching people and texting back and forth with home and loved ones.

Wandering back to hotel I took a little trek a block beyond and came upon Cafe Fayrouz... Lebanese Cuisine. Of course, I went in... Had some Ksara Sunset Rose and a Sweet... my waiter was from Byblos... I have yet to visit Byblos but as I shared with him... perhaps this time.

Looking toward the rest of my time in Paris and anticipating my time in Lebanon and Syria, and all the "perhaps this time" that will be.

Why this Blog?

I am on a journey... one that caps a long wilderness journey that began upon my arrival home from the Middle East last November, 2009. A mix of things play into that wilderness... the death of my Mother in October, 2009; a week before my return to the Middle East... the stress and realities of a call/job that was not working, and the human realities that slip in, even in a Christian setting... my health, that took a huge downturn upon my arrival home... and my discernment since Spring, 2009 of understanding the doors that have closed and looking toward the doors that will open and which one or ones I am being call toward. There's more but that pretty much sets the stage for the past year.

In a final trip in my current call I will travel to Lebanon and Syria for a consultation with the Presbyterian Church (USA) Syria-Lebanon and Iraq Mission Networks. Prior to that I decided to have a couple days in Paris for respite to ground myself before a time of closure and a time of opening my heart to the realities of others suffering. Before I come home I will have some time to see people I love and who have become my Middle East family.

Many people want to hear/see about this journey. Facebook seemed to limited to share so thus, this blog... and I must say, I am a bit reluctant of what I can share. With the ending of my job, and the meeting with Iraqis... both hold need for security and judgement as to what I may share. I hope I am able to share what's on my heart without offending, and by doing so, find more clarity and also let others in to share this journey. May it be so... onward...

I choose this photo I took last year of a Sunset at Saint Simon Citadel, Syria... just north of Aleppo. It is in the midst of ancient ruins with these strong trees framing the sunset with their strength and life. Sunrises and Sunsets are one of life's greatest gifts to me... always showing the rhythm and the need for endings and beginnings...