Monday, September 5, 2011

Home, Grounded, Ready! CPE Eve!

It’s CPE eve... that being the evening before I begin my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) Residency at Stanford Hospitals and Clinics. Today I posted on facebook and twitter: “Last day before labor is induced toward the birth of this Chaplain. Ready...”

The month-long trip of a lifetime to Europe with my children has been over for a couple weeks. And in those couple weeks it feels as if all the loose ends have been tied up, clarity has arrived in many formats, and I am ready for the next stage. Really ready.

The European adventure provided practice in letting go of things and being in the present with the twins. And I did... I left a lot of unresolved things on my dining room table (literally) at home, and ventured with my kids. We traveled through France, Italy, and Great Britain, and have memories and stories for a lifetime plus. I did a lot of writing although choose to forego being tied to the blog, and instead documented most the trip publicly on facebook through photos and captions. The kids and I will incorporate those photos and our journals into a printed book. The most priceless part of trip was our time together before this year venture for the Mama Bear.

One friend asked when we had the big blow up... as often happens when family or friends travel together. Never. I have found my perfect travel companions in my children. Not that everything was perfect, but they have the flexibility gene that allowed for a marvelous journey. As my son said, traveling means always getting lost when going to the next place... and I said YES, and remember each time we were lost the things we found that otherwise would have been missed. And both kids seem to get that! I could write a ton on how blessed I am and how wonderful my children are... but will refrain.

I receive a daily horoscope in my email box... I know... Horoscopes... kind of silly. My horoscope today included, “Widening your spiritual horizons is easy now; maintaining a solid connection with the mundane world at the same time is more difficult, yet also worth the effort.”

I feel like I am stepping into the unknown and the world as I know it is narrowing. I can accept leaving wilderness for spiritual horizons, and I like that! Throughout the wilderness I’ve been working for answers and clarity. There were relationships that weren’t making sense, relationships I was working to build, business that had yet to be resolved and health issues looming. The past year or so I felt I needed to get everything in order and wrapped up neatly so I could have this CPE year free of clutter. Leaving for Europe the end of July, with just 7 weeks before CPE began, I felt like I had added more questions and issues in the wilderness. Without knowing, Europe was just what I needed... not Europe... but disconnecting from the drive for de-cluttering and my obsession with order. By getting away I seem to have come home with a new perspective. And definitely a stronger relationship with my children. Most reaffirmed is fact that my children are my primary relationship, and I can have that and branch out from there. Coming home, understanding the relationships to grow, and relationships to discard starting falling into place; along with health and business matters. And perhaps the mundane world was illuminated. I don’t know how much time there will be for the mundane this year and whether I believe in the horoscope. I know I need to have some mundane... we shall see.

Today was a preparation day for tomorrow and some pleasurable time... cooking for a special friend... being with a special friend... rich conversations live and by texts and emails. I purchased a binder that makes me smile with Julius, the Paul Frank monkey on the cover. I LOVE THE MONKEY! I put all the materials I’ve received from Stanford in this binder and gathered my other blank journal and notebook I take ready for whatever. I reread my CPE application today. It seems so long ago I penned this application - October of 2010 to be exact. The writing process then made me think this must have been what it was like to pen “War and Peace”. More about the length and depth of information they requested than the content, trust me.

Surreal and painful and joyful... all together, is one way of explaining feelings re-reading my narratives today. My life has been full of experiences that looking back can surprise me as I am so far away from much of that. But I find the life I have been granted and those experiences have led to this point. Reading through at this vantage point, knowing I am in a program, I thought, “YES!” This is the right direction for me. All that was in the past has purpose. I don’t know what is ahead but I am ready to embrace it. And I am sure I will get lost a few times... but often that is where the greatest things happen.

This Blog helped do a bit of processing of my transition with my family and with my call. I feel this blog’s time has come to an end. If you are reading this or have been reading and walking with me... thank you. I will be journaling throughout my CPE residency and may do a blog that is appropriate to share from some of those ruminations and encounters. If so, will post name of that blog here...

God bless the wilderness... God bless the clarity... and God bless both which will continue to dance throughout life.



Thursday, July 28, 2011

A day of Canoes on the Sorgue River

Canoeing on a river sourced by the fifth largest natural spring in the World. You betcha! We were up early trying to get the whole crew out the door to venture south a brief distance from Sarrians to Fontaine de Vaucluse. The villages along the way bring to life the saying, “It’s not the destination but the journey” Ancient Ramparts, Bridges with overflowing blossoms of color, sidewalk cafes with the locals greeting the morning... Just lovely.

The funniest part of the day was our drive with the kids laughing and deciding to engage the locals. As we drove through village after village they rolled down the car window and shouted out gleefully... "Bon Jour, Bon Jour, Bon Jour!" We need to work on that long '"o"', but they get an "A" for effort and enthusiam.

We arrived at the beginning of the Sorgue River to the crystal clear water and a collection of lime green canoes. From there the eight of us traveled via three canoes for two hours and covered eight kilometers (about five miles) on the glorious river to Isle sur la Sorgue. The young man, named Roman (like that!), at the beginning who placed us in our canoes mentioned we might lose a child or two. Gratefully we arrived at our destination with all accounted for and lots of radiant smiles! We were transported back to our launch site.




From there we headed back to Sarrians for swimming and baseball, real and fantasy, at the villa. Mont Ventoux to the East was a highlight driving back, as the clouds bubbled over it as if to frame this memorable day in Provence. Back at the villa, while the kids play, the adults engage in reading and our technology fixes and, well, vino.

Here is some information about the River Sorgue... which photos cannot begin to capture. This would be a great spot to sit and ponder for a bit... or have a glass of wine from one of the cafes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sorgue

So grateful Steve and Renee invited us to their villa and that we have this time with them... amazing beginning of the trip. I have to pinch myself that we are really here! And what a blessing to have these special friends that we will always be able to treasure these memories.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

First Night and First Day... Sarrians and Port Du Gard


We had a great welcome to Sarrians with Steve meeting us at the Marseille airport. A little mixup with our rental car... my reservation was for the wrong airport but it turned out much better. We got a larger car... a Renault that is an automatic and has built in GPS so they deducted money from the week's rental. Followed our friend Steve back to the house in Sarrians where we are staying with the Shiota-Schofield clan. Renee made a fabulous dinner that had all the flavors of Provence... lemon, garlic, chicken, pasta, wine, fresh lavender outside... lovely!

Here's a link to the villa we are staying... http://www.la-lavande.com/


Today we took a trip to Port du Gard and it was wonderful to have the big car... we all fit into one car. And we discovered there is a HUGE sunroof that was a surprise. Here is the description of Port du Gard and some photos.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pont_du_Gard




Tonight we went to the supermarket and had steak and burgers and amazing salad and mushrooms and rice and wine! Kids have had a great time since we arrived back from Port du Gard in the swimming pool at the villa.

Plotting our plans for tomorrow! It's going to be good!

Frankfurt to Marseille


Final leg of the trip finds me on Lufthansa flight with my two precious prophets peacefully sleeping next to me. I have to be honest I have a bit of apprehension about being the adult alone leading these two around Europe. I am used to being on my own on adventures. Grace and Jeremy are already proving to be great travelers. They did great packing lightly. They are game for what's ahead which is a lot of unknown. On our long flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt, I saw a couple with a baby and remembered traveling alone with Grace and Jeremy as babies. The first trip to Iowa alone with them they were just nine months old. I really don't know how I did it. I remember feeling Iike a pack mule. My twin mom sister friend Rose, loaned me her Kangaroo diaper bag.. The motherlode diaper backpack that allowed me to have just one bag and both hands available for, well, one baby in each arm... Now how did I do that? We had our double stroller that took us to the plane with one car seat on top and then I barked orders like a drill sergeant to the two flight attendants who looked like deer in headlights when they saw me boarding. Clearly neither was a parent. I needed to secure the car seat in the plane seat and handed a baby, Jeremy to the mail flight attendant asking him to hold the baby so I could get us settled so they could take off. He held the baby with outstretched arms, like the nine month old infant without teeth might bite. A passenger Grandmother type offered to take Grace and knew exactly what to do. The image is as amusing now as it was then. There was no time for my personal needs such as using the restroom, but then, that is part of being a Mom. I remember when they finally both fell asleep... One in the car seat and one in my arms and I felt like I had conquered the world. I wonder if I inspired the young childless flight attendants to have children or if that helped provide the best birth control ever?


Now my twins are young people and can take care of their needs as we travel. We are blessed that our friends invited us to join them in South France, so the beginning of the trip feels like baby steps into the month ahead and I really look forward tour time with Steve and Renee and their three young people. Remembering traveling with the baby prophets reminds me this is nothing... And so exciting! I trust there will be many more journeys and as we journey, it will be interesting to experience the different phases of the twin’s lives and mine. Whatever... Nothing is impossible. That I know for sure.


Monday, July 25, 2011

Switzerland via SFO



Our day started early this morning with the excitement and anticipation of taking BART from West Oakland to San Francisco Airport (SFO). As we rode the train, the dreaded text arrived that stated our flight to Chicago was delayed. Told the kids this was our first part of the journey... FLEXIBILITY! :-) Once at SFO very clear we would not make our connections. As we observed the wildlife... other United Customers yelling at the agents... our nice calm agent did what he could to get us to Marseille, France. That involved waiting until 7:00 p.m. tonight and flying direct to Frankfurt and then on to Marseille.

It's been a fun day at the airport. Most fun was meeting a couple born in Switzerland and on their way to a family reunion. As some know I just had my fun Swiss Family Reunion. They were delayed until tonight also. Lena saw my cell phone and asked if they could call their son. We continued our conversation after the need for a second telephone call and found Switzerland... I wanted to go to Switzerland but it just is not possible this trip. So I think this is the purpose for our delay today was to meet Lena and Henry. They now live in Oakdale and were Grand Marshalls of the rodeo this past year. They loved Grace and Jeremy and tried to slip them money. My kids were good at refusing! But they were persistent! We have an open invite to their home and the rodeo and the horses... so fun!



Okay. WE ARE BOARDING!!!

“Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” but...




I recently visited my friend Don. We were drawn together by a mutual cause, but the relationship moved quickly toward friendship beyond that (yes, just friendship people). We have what I call, the VR factor... in honor of the Velveteen Rabbit... more later.


Don had just taken a date to the U2 concert at Soldier’s Field so I was living vicariously hearing about each song’s performance and I’m always fascinated how people date. He got to one song and was going on and saying, you know, you know... that song... THAT song. And I knew it was “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” from the Joshua Tree album. Always a classic to ponder...


Last night the twins and their Dad arrived with pizza and a birthday cake. I will get to celebrate the twin’s birthday with them in Italy. The past week they each got to have a special outing with their Dad: Jeremy at Giant’s game versus the Dodgers and acquiring a mighty fine Giant’s Sweatshirt; Grace at a production of Les Miserables in Los Angeles. Both outings are quite equal, if not worth more than the Europe trip, as the experiences touched passions the kid’s follow. But last night was the raw, pure time of the four of us being together... to commemorate what made that union of marriage so special... the creation of these two amazing people who continue to amaze us both and touch our hearts and well, connect us. And to share pizza, cake, toasts, prayer and lots of laughs.


I have spent much time in the wilderness exploring relationships and praying for how to redefine a marriage. Forgiveness as I already knew, is paramount. India Arie version of the Don Henley song, “The Heart of the Matter” is a top played song on my playlist. But what I’ve placed on a higher level is consciousness and the VB factor... Being Real. I’m much clearer on what I am and am not looking for and how I want to be alone or in a relationship. I don’t want to live life anesthetized or looking for zombies or the portal to escape. Life without feeling or being real isn’t really worth it for me. I’m looking for the real doors and real people and yes, the growing tension. Regardless of where or with whom, I just need to be me and comfortable in my skin.


There is much I already have. I hope my life is a continued searching and learning and longing and loving, and I wish that for my children. All that tension and all the highs and lows remind me I’m alive. Because if I find what I’m looking for, well, I think with my faith that means I’m dead.


Right now I’m looking to wake up the “prophets” and head to SFO to catch our flights and Thank God it’s very VB factor with my kids! Mommy wake call for today... “We’re going to Europe!!!”



Sunday, July 24, 2011

Last travel before Next Great Thing and a Sunset

Tomorrow morning bright and early I will be headed to the airport with my soon to be teenage twins. We are going on a month adventure to Europe. With a life insurance policy left by my Mother who passed away in 2009, I decided to take my twins on a journey through Europe. This seems far more educational than the small blip the money would make toward their college fund. We will travel to Southern France; Italy; Paris; London; and Belfast. There will old friends along the way and as always, new ones to meet.


This trip is a bit of a “swan song” for the wilderness I've embraced. When I began this sporatic blog... I was not quite sure what the future held. I have savored the months since leaving my position with the Presbyterian Church (USA) toward Stanford. This will be my last big travel before I start my next Great Thing... Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) at Stanford Hospitals. I will be a Resident in this CPE program for one year beginning September 6. I have been promised this will be one of the most challenging and rewarding things I ever do. One of the greatest anticipated challenges will be the fact that the next year of my life has boundaries within about a 40 mile radius... that being from my home to Stanford. But I know I will be venturing toward journeys with people that will transcend space and location and maybe even time.


I also find this exploration in the wilderness has led to more clarity of what I wish for my future. There are people and places and things I have found I value more than I could imagine. And with the departure tomorrow, I realize the people and places and things I have decided to leave behind or redefine my relationships with.


Last night I had a wonderful time of sharing with a special friend and got to savor the sunset from my home beach. Can't wait for the sunsets and the sunrises the next month promises...

I am so excited to experience this trip with my "prophets from the minivan". And I am looking forward to coming home after this adventure to the mystery of what lies ahead.