It’s CPE eve... that being the evening before I begin my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) Residency at Stanford Hospitals and Clinics. Today I posted on facebook and twitter: “Last day before labor is induced toward the birth of this Chaplain. Ready...”The month-long trip of a lifetime to Europe with my children has been over for a couple weeks. And in those couple weeks it feels as if all the loose ends have been tied up, clarity has arrived in many formats, and I am ready for the next stage. Really ready.
The European adventure provided practice in letting go of things and being in the present with the twins. And I did... I left a lot of unresolved things on my dining room table (literally) at home, and ventured with my kids. We traveled through France, Italy, and Great Britain, and have memories and stories for a lifetime plus. I did a lot of writing although choose to forego being tied to the blog, and instead documented most the trip publicly on facebook through photos and captions. The kids and I will incorporate those photos and our journals into a printed book. The most priceless part of trip was our time together before this year venture for the Mama Bear.
One friend asked when we had the big blow up... as often happens when family or friends travel together. Never. I have found my perfect travel companions in my children. Not that everything was perfect, but they have the flexibility gene that allowed for a marvelous journey. As my son said, traveling means always getting lost when going to the next place... and I said YES, and remember each time we were lost the things we found that otherwise would have been missed. And both kids seem to get that! I could write a ton on how blessed I am and how wonderful my children are... but will refrain.
I receive a daily horoscope in my email box... I know... Horoscopes... kind of silly. My horoscope today included, “Widening your spiritual horizons is easy now; maintaining a solid connection with the mundane world at the same time is more difficult, yet also worth the effort.”
I feel like I am stepping into the unknown and the world as I know it is narrowing. I can accept leaving wilderness for spiritual horizons, and I like that! Throughout the wilderness I’ve been working for answers and clarity. There were relationships that weren’t making sense, relationships I was working to build, business that had yet to be resolved and health issues looming. The past year or so I felt I needed to get everything in order and wrapped up neatly so I could have this CPE year free of clutter. Leaving for Europe the end of July, with just 7 weeks before CPE began, I felt like I had added more questions and issues in the wilderness. Without knowing, Europe was just what I needed... not Europe... but disconnecting from the drive for de-cluttering and my obsession with order. By getting away I seem to have come home with a new perspective. And definitely a stronger relationship with my children. Most reaffirmed is fact that my children are my primary relationship, and I can have that and branch out from there. Coming home, understanding the relationships to grow, and relationships to discard starting falling into place; along with health and business matters. And perhaps the mundane world was illuminated. I don’t know how much time there will be for the mundane this year and whether I believe in the horoscope. I know I need to have some mundane... we shall see.
Today was a preparation day for tomorrow and some pleasurable time... cooking for a special friend... being with a special friend... rich conversations live and by texts and emails. I purchased a binder that makes me smile with Julius, the Paul Frank monkey on the cover. I LOVE THE MONKEY! I put all the materials I’ve received from Stanford in this binder and gathered my other blank journal and notebook I take ready for whatever. I reread my CPE application today. It seems so long ago I penned this application - October of 2010 to be exact. The writing process then made me think this must have been what it was like to pen “War and Peace”. More about the length and depth of information they requested than the content, trust me.
Surreal and painful and joyful... all together, is one way of explaining feelings re-reading my narratives today. My life has been full of experiences that looking back can surprise me as I am so far away from much of that. But I find the life I have been granted and those experiences have led to this point. Reading through at this vantage point, knowing I am in a program, I thought, “YES!” This is the right direction for me. All that was in the past has purpose. I don’t know what is ahead but I am ready to embrace it. And I am sure I will get lost a few times... but often that is where the greatest things happen.
This Blog helped do a bit of processing of my transition with my family and with my call. I feel this blog’s time has come to an end. If you are reading this or have been reading and walking with me... thank you. I will be journaling throughout my CPE residency and may do a blog that is appropriate to share from some of those ruminations and encounters. If so, will post name of that blog here...
God bless the wilderness... God bless the clarity... and God bless both which will continue to dance throughout life.
No comments:
Post a Comment