“Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” but...

I recently visited my friend Don. We were drawn together by a mutual cause, but the relationship moved quickly toward friendship beyond that (yes, just friendship people). We have what I call, the VR factor... in honor of the Velveteen Rabbit... more later.

Don had just taken a date to the U2 concert at Soldier’s Field so I was living vicariously hearing about each song’s performance and I’m always fascinated how people date. He got to one song and was going on and saying, you know, you know... that song... THAT song. And I knew it was “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” from the Joshua Tree album. Always a classic to ponder...

Last night the twins and their Dad arrived with pizza and a birthday cake. I will get to celebrate the twin’s birthday with them in Italy. The past week they each got to have a special outing with their Dad: Jeremy at Giant’s game versus the Dodgers and acquiring a mighty fine Giant’s Sweatshirt; Grace at a production of Les Miserables in Los Angeles. Both outings are quite equal, if not worth more than the Europe trip, as the experiences touched passions the kid’s follow. But last night was the raw, pure time of the four of us being together... to commemorate what made that union of marriage so special... the creation of these two amazing people who continue to amaze us both and touch our hearts and well, connect us. And to share pizza, cake, toasts, prayer and lots of laughs.

I have spent much time in the wilderness exploring relationships and praying for how to redefine a marriage. Forgiveness as I already knew, is paramount. India Arie version of the Don Henley song, “The Heart of the Matter” is a top played song on my playlist. But what I’ve placed on a higher level is consciousness and the VB factor... Being Real. I’m much clearer on what I am and am not looking for and how I want to be alone or in a relationship. I don’t want to live life anesthetized or looking for zombies or the portal to escape. Life without feeling or being real isn’t really worth it for me. I’m looking for the real doors and real people and yes, the growing tension. Regardless of where or with whom, I just need to be me and comfortable in my skin.

There is much I already have. I hope my life is a continued searching and learning and longing and loving, and I wish that for my children. All that tension and all the highs and lows remind me I’m alive. Because if I find what I’m looking for, well, I think with my faith that means I’m dead.

Right now I’m looking to wake up the “prophets” and head to SFO to catch our flights and Thank God it’s very VB factor with my kids! Mommy wake call for today... “We’re going to Europe!!!”